Level 0 (No Description): The band in question bares an annoyance on a level only seen by few creatures in the history of the universe. A band whose playing brings up the though in your mind similar to that of the “Oh %@^&” that came to the mind of the dinosaurs when they saw that fated inferno of a meteor falling to earth. By listing to music by any bands/artists slated in this category your fate will be the same as that of the dinosaurs. Not only will you have subjected yourself to unimaginable pain in life you will also have to endure unimaginable pain in death
Example: The Jonas Brothers
Level 1 (Never): The Band in question is intolerable on all levels; no listening of any variety should be undertaken under any circumstances with a band slated in this category. The fact they even existed is of pure amazement to all facets of life as we know it.
Examples: Mötley Crüe
Level 2 (Almost Never): The band/artist in question provides nothing to fill the listener with a sense of “I want to listen to this” rather it is something that people around you like and for the life of you can’t figure out why. A band when your friend says “I love this band, you have to hear them” and then asks “What did you think?” and your response has to be compiled somewhat hesitantly with the flat out lie “It was okay”. It is important to know who these bands/artists were but never to listen to their material.
Examples: Janis Joplin
Level 3 (Song): Amongst everything else bands/artists in this level provide a single song which in and of itself is go enough to warrant a second listen. Something which in spite of all the other Level 1 & 2 music out there fills you with a sense of maybe, just maybe the human race isn’t doomed after all. However no other songs ever come close to producing the quality, build and interest that is that single song.
Example: AFI: Miss Murder or Deathcab for Cutie: Soul Meets Body
Level 4 (Radio): A band/artist that offers nothing in the way of interest that will endear you to the decision to move it to one of the upper levels, but they do happen to provide a sound which you find tolerable and amongst the other filth littering the airwaves of new music you find yourself saying “Come on lets here some ____________”. Great example would be Nickleback. But god help you if you ever manage to find yourself owning one of their albums.
Example: Nickelback or The Foo Fighters
Level 5A (Greatest Hits): A band that finds itself in this category is one who instilled itself in the minds of the population with only their hits and everyone remains blissfully unaware of the other tracks which may have lurked on any of their albums, bands that no one knows the names of their albums.
Example:Trooper: Hot Shots or Def Leppard: Rock of Ages
Level 5B (Live): In many way this sub category of Level 5 plays out like the statement of above only it differs in that it is exclusive to live albums only. Live albums are often like a greatest hits and that is why they fall here.
Example: Peter Frampton: Frampton Comes Alive
Level 6 (Hits+1): A band in which you find so many of their greatest songs on a single album that it plays almost like a greatest hits. This leads you then to the inevitable purchase of said album and after listening to it several dozen times you realize that there are a few other songs by this band that you would like to own. This category also includes bands where ownership of a single record from their repertoire is warranted, but that single record plays like a greatest hits, however they have no other songs worthy of ownership.
Example: Boston: Boston + a Greatest Hits of Some Sort or Van Halen: Van Halen + a Greatest Hits of Some Sort
Level 7 (Hits+2): A band whose description plays out similarly to the one stated in the article previous only instead of having one good album to couple with a greatest hits they have two.
Example: Rush: 2112, Moving Pictures + a Greatest Hits of some sort
(Although by some accounts Rush could move to the category below in some may suggest it prudent two own Farewell to Kings as well)
Level 8 (Albums 1): A band in this category has to have demonstrated their worth to the listener, surpassing the need to merely own 2 of their studio albums and a greatest hits. A band here is a band whose effort to make lasting and meaningful music means you should own 3-4 of their studio albums. It should be noted that bands in both Level 8 and Level 9 do not need you to own greatest hits, though sometimes a GH album wouldn’t go amiss.
Example: AC/DC: All albums between 1977 and 1980 (Leading to 4 albums: Let There Be Rock, Powerage, Highway to Hell, Back in Black)
Level 9 (Albums 2): A band whose worth and value as an addition to your collection should never be understated. A band in this category brings pleasure to your ears with a serious of different albums all holding their own weight in the mind of the listener. For a band to be in this category it needs to be worth your while to own all of their albums between a certain year and another certain year. You have to own at least 5+ of their studio albums.
Example: Bob Dylan, Neil Young, Dire Straits, Eric Clapton
(Too many albums to list, that is why there are none listed for the artists above)
Level 10 (Sets): For a band to have reached this level suggests that there is something about there work which is timeless, never ages and continues to have a profound impact on the music and generations of today. In many cases the artists listed in this category may have been helped along by aliens or some such other creatures to perfect music to a degree that warrants an ownership of all of their studio albums.
Example: Led Zeppelin or The Beatles
Sincerely;
T.R.Z. Oswald
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