Sun: if you happened to be a person of faith or religious in the slightest, then albums in this category will be the only proof you need as to the existence of god. Every song resonates with the listener in ways that few others could hope to achieve. Every listen brings new heartfelt emotion and new understanding to each individual word making up the collective fabric that is the beauty of the music. Little else of the mortal variety can compare to albums in this category.
Continued exposure will lead you to the understanding that both the work of mortals and immortals was required to produce these albums.
Jupiter: a record in this class provides something above all others; a sense of superiority is never stated only felt through the reverberation of the sound. The quality of the album is such that it plays back to front and front to back in a nearly seamless fashion. There is little ordinary anywhere on the record, and if there is it is made up for by the fact that the other songs make up for it in spades.
Saturn: albums in this class offer renewed insight with each play, though the insight may not be particularly deep or everlasting it does show the potential to be something more. More over the album will offer quality over quantity and will repay the listener with feelings of joy and happiness for their investment. Excellent songs should flood over from the first side to the second, though a few mediocre songs is unfortunate it is forgivable. Owners of albums in this category should be congratulated for their sense of taste.
Neptune: the sense of quality and care was obviously present in albums in this category, though not in particularly large quantities. Repeated listening is repaid with a sense of some cool, good vibes. Though the record itself when played front to back may have dramatic highs and lows, indicating it is closer to a full revolution of the economic cycle rather than one that presents only growth. To be here the album should have at least a side of good songs.
Uranus: if you happen to find out a close friend owns a record in this category then you should take it upon yourself to re-educate them as to the finer points of music, they are not lost yet but if they continue down this path they may end up in a particularly bad spot.
Earth: if you happened to find out that a close friend of yours owns one or more albums in this category you may wish to re-evaluate your friendship, and unless immediate intervention is enacted then they may be lost to the mortal confines of hell in the foreseeable future.
Venus: albums in this category are ones that you never want to admit (to another living soul or creature of the universe) that you actually spend any of your money, time, patience or grace in acquiring them. You should be ashamed.
Mars: albums in this category are ones that you never want to admit (to another living soul or creature of the universe) that you actually spend any of your money, time, patience or grace in listening to them. You should be publicly humiliated.
Mercury: Continued exposure may lead to hemorrhaging, if you feel pain, consult a doctor immediately, if you feel nothing consult a mortician, though there’s no great hurry.
Pluto: Blasphemy at its most prevalent, perhaps the sheer existence of records in this category proves that the devil is never going to give up his quest to lure every last one of us on this earth down to the pits and dungeons of hell.
Sincerely;
T.R.Z. Oswald
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