Mark Knopfler / Shangri-La (2004)

Even the best of artists have their off albums, and considering his off album is better than the best albums of most other artists we should be grateful. Still better than most other music released in 2004.

Rating = Saturn Record

Sincerely;

T.R.Z. Oswald

ZZ Top / Afterburner (1985)

Such subtle lyrics of sexual imagery have not be attempted since the days of Zeppelin (The Lemon Song and Whole Lotta Love to name but a few) and still “Woke up with Wood” was enough to gain a laugh from the mid-teenager still lurking inside me. Worth purchasing if it comes bundled with another record and the cost is 15-20 dollars.

Rating = Neptune Record

Sincerely;

T.R.Z. Oswald

Radiohead / The Bends (1995)

Someone ought to tell Thom Yorke that such winy, nasally vocals are reserved solely for Mr. Willie Nelson, find a different sound if you please. Indeed halfway through I was unsure if Yorke was still singing or the band had convinced Bono to sing on another piece of garbage besides his own. Notable for little other than "High and Dry" and "Fake Plastic Trees", yes the guitar is good and interesting, but that alone does not make a band. Perhaps the album could have been shortened and turned into an EP, but if you did that then there really wouldn't have been a point to releasing anything at all. What a wonderful thought.

Rating = Earth Record

Sincerely;

T.R.Z. Oswald

Soundgarden / Superunknown (1994)

Arguably the best grunge band (not including The Smashing Pumpkins) with arguably the best grunge album (not including Dawn to Dusk, Twilight to Starlight) and as such it is subject to a little praise.

Rating = Neptune Record

Sincerely;

T.R.Z. Oswald

Lady Gaga / The Fame Monster (2009)

When I said that there was no way Lady Gaga could provide the world with anymore talentless, shallow and utterly soulless music I didn’t factor in the possibility she would cook up an album comprised of all the outtakes from the previous one. I was wrong.

Rating = Mercury Record

Sincerely;

T.R.Z. Oswald

Lady Gaga / The Fame (2008)

As Ms. Spears fades into the sunset it is little wonder that the world found another fairly talentless wonder to take her place. Similar to the way The Stone Roses faded out in 1994 as Oasis came in and stole their thunder with Definitely Maybe. Since no one writes their own lyrics anymore I won’t even bother with berating her for that and instead simply criticise the music. Shallow attempt at something deeper, though who knows what that might be, miring listeners in words which sacrifice any real depth or substance for mainstream pop, party, dance music. I hope that there is no way that Lady Gaga could provide the world with anymore talentless, shallow and utterly soulless music. Still I suppose anything sounds good when it’s two in the morning and you’ve downed almost a dozen drinks.

Rating = Mars Record

Sincerely;

T.R.Z. Oswald

The Beatles / Let It Be (1970)

How could an album recorded before Abbey Road be so much worse? I doubt anyone could answer that question properly. Few records by great bands will ever reach the depth of disparity and flat out awful music that is present on this record, the only thing saving it from being a Venus record is the songs “Let it Be” and “Get Back” but even songs that good cannot save a record this bad. To clarify to all those who saw the 2007 film Across the Universe, “Across the Universe” is not the best Beatles song of all time.

Rating = Earth Record

Sincerely;

T.R.Z. Oswald

Bad Company / Bad Company (1974)

Perhaps the very best example of the perfect up/down record (Song 1 = good, Song 2 = mediocre, Song 3 = good, Song 4 = mediocre, Song 5 = good, Song 6 = mediocre, Song 7 good and Song 8 = mediocre). It has a side of great material, but the fact that Paul Rogers toured with Queen for five years has left a sour taste in everyone’s mouth when they think about Bad Company (and Queen for that matter).

Rating = Neptune Record

Sincerely;

T.R.Z. Oswald

Bruce Springsteen / Nebraska (1982)

If Johnny Cash had a reason to cover “Johnny 99” and “Highway Patrolman” then it must be good.

Rating = Jupiter Record

Sincerely;

T.R.Z. Oswald

Deep Purple / Machine Head (1972)

If for nothing else the album holds a place in the pages of history for having a song open not with a guitar solo, not with a drum solo, but with an organ solo. It also has the song with the simplest and most recognizable opening in rock history. Add to that the fact that the other five songs are all five star tracks, everyone a sheer musical masterpiece. A quintessential rock album, beyond the reaches of achievement for any new band post 2000, if you don’t own it, well....

Rating = Sun Record

Sincerely;

T.R.Z. Oswald

1st Amendment to The 3rd Rating System

Cheesyness Quotient (in ACU) of Bands

The Cheesyness Quotient (or CQ) of a Band/Artist is determined by two factors:
1) The Band/Artist’s percentage, on a scale from 0.1 to 99.9 of Butterfat, the higher the butterfat (which is the independent variable) the greater the cheesyness of the band/artist will be (given in percent butterfat approximate or %Ba).
2) The other factor is their cheesyness, which is measured in Cheesyness Units (or cu) which is measured on a scale from 0 to infinity,
As the butterfat of a band/artist approaches 100% (though it will never reach it) the CU of the band/artist will approach infinity. Alternately, as the butterfat of a band/artist approaches 0.00% (though it will never reach it) the CU approaches negative infinity.

These two numbers are then multiplied together in order to get the bands overall cheesyness, which is given in Average Cheesyness Units or acu’s

Example 1:

Def Leppard:
Measures 49%Ba (Heavy Cream) on the Butterfat Scale,
Measures 30 CU (on the Cheesyness Scale)

Therefore 49%Ba X 30 CU = 1470acu

Example 2:

Led Zeppelin:
Measures 0.4%Ba (Skim Milk) on the Butterfat Scale
Measures 1.5 CU (on the Cheesyness Scale)

Therefore 0.4%Ba X 1.5 CU = 1acu*

Example 3:

Boston:
Measures 33.5%Ba (Whipping Cream) on the Butterfat Scale
Measures 20.5 CU (on the Cheesyness Scale)

Therefore 33.5%Ba X 20.5 CU = 686.75acu**/***

*Note 1: Any bands that score below 1acu have their number rounded up for ease of
measurement and recording (Led Zeppelin actually scores a 0.6acu level)

**Note 2: Boston is often cited as the definitive threshold band, largely due to the fact that they are constantly and consistently straddling the acu threshold.

***Note 3: 33 1/3%Ba which correlates to a 20 CU rating which then results in a 666.66acu (repeating of course) measurement. Make no mistake, this is no coincidence. Some analysts cite this as the definitive dividing line between Rock and Cheese, though the majority will suggest that 633.33-700.00acu is the general regarded transition zone between the two, as when bands/artists approach this line their music tends to drift between Rock and Cheese quite frequently. This zone was created by the addition and subtraction of the Absolute Cheese Threshold in butterfat (33.33%) (ACTBa) from the Absolute Cheese Threshold in Average Cheesyness Units (ACTacu) 666.66acu +/- 33.33

A Graph of this Relationship is in my possession, at some point in the near future I plan to post it here.

Sincerely;

T.R.Z. Oswald

1st Amendment to the “Terms” Section

These are some new terms which may appear periodically throughout this blog and as such I feel the reviews would make more sense if you knew what they meant.

Solid Album Rule: If an artist/band adhere to the rule that if you make an album with 9-11 songs (10 preferably) and keep it to a length of 40-45 minutes (the restriction that the vinyl record had over artists once) any shorter and is simply not worth the listeners time, as just when they get into the groove of things the record ends. Any longer and ear fatigue sets in. If this rule is adhered to then the listener rarely gets bored and the album maintains a level of interest for many years and listens to come.

Ear Fatigue: The process by which the listener gets bored or tired of music, usually most prevalent in albums that are too long or do not have sufficient rises and falls in tone, pitch and volume to keep the listener interested (this is best shown in modern remastered versions of old albums which have had the dramatic peaks and valleys ironed out in order to ensure that people listening with cheap earbuds or headphones can listen to music longer)

Third Album Rule: An artist/band may be able to pull off a great first record, and they may have enough material from recording session of the first one to piece together the second record. But the third record will more than likely have to be of new material, and as such this will test whether or not the band/artist has the potential to live on forever or fade like the sun at dusk. Lightning may strike once, maybe even twice but rarely a third for those who are not deserving of it.

Sincerely;

T.R.Z. Oswald

Bruce Springsteen / Darkness on the Edge of Town (1978)

Part of the reason that 1978 was such a great year in music, unfortunately “Badlands” has been ruined by heavy airplay, but that aside the record is simply a work of art, and the solo on “Candy’s Room” is excellent. The album is follows the Solid Album Rule and plays front to back very well without the listener ever getting bored. Mr. Springsteen’s lyrical and composing talent begins to blossom on this record, and as such it should be in ever good classic rock fan’s collection.

Rating = Jupiter Record

Sincerely;

T.R.Z. Oswald

Boston / Boston (1976)

Registering with a Cheesyness Quotient of 686.75acu, the band is right in the threshold that divides Rock from Cheese (the divide is around 633.33-700.00acu) but we’ll let that slide for now. Thanks to Guitar Hero and Rock Band the youth of today has suddenly become acquainted with Boston (though I doubt if any of them know of the album). Epic first side, no questioning that (“More Than a Feeling”, Peace of Mind” and “Foreplay/Long Time”) would be enough to secure any band post 2000 in the halls of rock stardom. Personally I much prefer “Something About You” but that is a different matter. The point here is that despite these great (and I do mean great) songs there is a reason that they are the only ones you ever hear, a quick listen of some of the other songs on Side 2 (“Smokin”, “Hitch a Ride” and “Let Me Take You Home Tonight”) reveals something that many of us fear coming to terms with, the 1980’s era of sweet cheesyness was not confined to the period of 1980-1990, in many places it came early and was no less potent for that earliness.
Rating = Saturn Record
Sincerely;
T.R.Z. Oswald

James Blunt / All the Lost Souls (2007)

Right, right, I know what you’re thinking... just save it for later. This is just so that I can finish my review of Blunt altogether and come back to him when he manages to put out another record. It is interesting how an artist who produced such a wonderful album only three years previous could present such a blow to the expectations of his audience. Sure it has a few five star songs, but it also has a few fairly mediocre songs (and I’m being generous with “mediocre”). Perhaps the problem arises from having taken so long to get the songs good for the first record that Blunt was just not able to do it for the time constraint. The true test will be with the third album, if it is good then he may live on and if not he will burn out like so many other potential great artists. Maybe I’ve been too harsh, perhaps All the Lost Souls is like a one of Mark Knopfler’s solo records, takes a while but with repeat listening it grows on you, but I highly doubt it.

Rating = Neptune Record

Sincerely;

T.R.Z. Oswald

James Blunt / Back to Bedlam (2004)

Alright, alright quite down for just a moment. I know the flak that you are all waiting to give me for reviewing a modern pop album or even a pop album at all. Just wait for a moment though, you may very well be expecting me to tear it to pieces but I am sorry that is just not going to happen. Of course a degree of tearing here and there may show up, but I doubt it. There is this tendency to see Mr. Blunt as a bit of a wuss, sure a grown man with a voice like that does raise some questions, but on to the matter at hand. Though Back to Bedlam has by now achieved one thing of certainty, it was the album that contained “You’re Beautiful” and lord knows we never want to hear that again. With that in mind consider how the song would be viewed if it hadn’t had such success, yes we may hate it now but if everyone would cast their minds back to the late 1970’s everyone hated “Stairway to Heaven”, a great song but after 72,000 time of hearing it, the greatness is slowly replaced by annoyance. This is the same phenomenon that has gripped the fore mentioned single by Blunt. With that said there are another nine songs on the album, all worth their weight in gold or platinum or whatever it is you wish to measure the greatness of a song in. A good short album, full of five star songs and all play in the order they were put seamlessly, rather than rag on Blunt for only co-writing the lyrics it is better by far if we sit back and just enjoy the music.

Rating = Sun Record

Sincerely;

T.R.Z. Oswald

ZZ Top / Eliminator (1983)

It is good to know that despite all of the other cheesy, glam rock of the 1980’s (or whatever other terms you can find to call it) there was still good, hard rock music being made. Though to be fair it is coming from 1983 which is a quite reasonable year for music, and so as to be expected a quite reasonable album emerges from it. Notable to those who know of ZZ Tops “hits” for “Gimme All Your Lovin”, “Sharp Dressed Man”, and “Legs”. If for nothing else it is an album that should be owned for the sound that is being issued from the guitar at around 1:55 in "Sharp Dressed Man". Though I am sure that in saying this I have doomed the song to heavy searches in both Youtube and Limewire.

Rating = Saturn Record

Sincerely;

T.R.Z. Oswald

1st Amendment to the 2nd Rating System

Having noticed that the system here only contains nine levels, and in a desire to make it an even ten I have decided to add another one. (This addition is more correctly fueled by a realization that there are a number of albums I consider to be of the caliber to make them Sun records, that being said there are about a dozen others that I would suggest belong even above this level and therefore the only thing to do was to add a level for them). So here it is.

Stellar: Though it may have seemed that a Sun record was approaching the nearest thing to perfection that the world has seen since Eden, a stellar record reaches even beyond that. Every track present must be five out of five, with the occasional six out of five for good measure. Anyone who thinks about skipping a song on a record such as this while playing the album front to back ought to be taken out behind the shed and drawn and quartered for their lack of respect, these records are in god’s country.

Sincerely;

T.R.Z. Oswald

The Clash / Sandinista! (1980)

While the principle of three records may have seemed like a good idea, and indeed it hooked me with the idea. The rule holds here however, never do in two (or in this case three) albums that which could have been done in one.

Rating = Uranus Record

Sincerely;

T.R.Z. Oswald

REM / Accelerate (2008)

So where to begin, I guess some sort of praise should be offered to the trio that is REM. It seems that after a serious case of “Decade Comatosis” (1997-2008) following the departure of Bill Berry they have finally woken up and decided that perhaps it is time to serenade the world with a return to the music that made them great. The album which was released in 2008 begins with the track "Living Well is the Best Revenge". I’ll admit that my expectation for this album was very low, and who could blame me after such a period of creative drought from REM. That bar of expectation I had set was blown away, I was amazed to say the least and when "Supernatural Superserious" came along I had difficulty composing sentences. The first side plays out extremely well, though the fourth song could have remained slow rather then starting so and then taking off. Side 2 begins with the slow song I had been searching for on Side 1, nice to see it found a place somewhere other than the cutting room floor. Then the album gets a serious case of "Long Album Blues" which is odd for an album so short. Still it is a good album when you factor
in the crap they produced in the last decade, but they have a far way to come to return to Lifes Rich Pageant.

Rating = Neptune Record

Sincerely;

T.R.Z. Oswald